Afternoon Wednesday 19 September – Sunday 23 September
So we left our heroine… Oh wait…this is real life.
Get to my psych – a little early, all is good. How have you been he asks… Came out to mum I tell him – though I don’t think it should have been a surprise, I think I told him I was going to do it last appointment.
I read to him from my first blog – what, did you record it he asks. Nah, I rehearsed it several times before hand. We talk about me wanting to know how mum feels about my revelation.
He tells me I need to be more proactive to keep my stress down. Call her rather than waiting for her to call you, okay?
I work through my week from there describing my episodes on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I explain about
wanting needing to get changed as soon as I leave work and I ask him point blank – so what do you think is causing these episodes.
His answer is simple. It’s not what I expect. I never expect a psych to be so direct. You need to go fulltime.
Ummm…okay. We discuss it some more. You make arrangements to see your psychologist who does transition in the workplace.
Okay…I clarify what he says. I won’t hold him to it but I repeat back what he’s said. He rephrases. In your own head your ready to go fulltime but your holding yourself back.
I explain my fears – I don’t know if I pass well enough (he tells me I do and he’s not one to blow smoke up your ass); I worry about my voice (you don’t sound male to me); and something about my crappy makeup skills but I don’t remember his response.
More discussions about stuff…I don’t really remember. We wrap up – he goes off to write a receipt and medical certificate. He’s in his office. I start laughing. I come in and explain. I was worried my (very androgynous) handbag would fall apart before I went fulltime – I have plenty of other handbags – but the zips are failing on this one. Maybe it’s a sign he jokes.
Leaving I’m excited and petrified all at once. It’s going to happen. I’m going to go fulltime.
I head home and tell my partner. Don’t disagree with the psych’s assessment, she says, I’ve said you’re becoming more dysphoric. I stress out a little – to be expected I suppose, the next stage is just so public. So definite. When you’re out you’re out. Hard to detransition once it’s all public. Also tell her that means I need to contact my ‘other’ psych for transition in the workplace.
Next morning aim for an earlier train. Miss it. Damn. Meh – can call the other psych and leave a message. D’oh, she answers – wasn’t expecting that. We have a bit of a catch-up and I book an appointment for Monday morning. After telling my partner, things between us are tense over the rest of the day.
Friday – laser day. Have to remind myself not to shave having shaved the night before. My best friend picks me up at the train station (she lives closer to my laser tech). I try out my new anaesthetic cream… too runny. By the time I get to my appointment half of it has run down my face. Bad news: laser stings a little more than usual. Good news: laser tech tells me I only need spot treatments on upper and lower lip and chin. Yay. No dark hairs left on cheeks or neck. But this means electrolysis for each one of the white hairs that are left. Youch.
My best friend drives me home. We chat more about how I feel. My doubts and worries. You’ll be fine she tells me.
Saturday I don’t do much – feel unwell, sleep most of the afternoon. End up not being able to sleep that night. Get up and read/post to Reddit and finish my last blog.
Sunday: very tired. Go grocery shopping with my partner. My bag has died – strap has broken. Well it didn’t survive until going fulltime.
Because of my laser session I can’t shave until that night. Grrrr. I sit on the bed half naked wondering if going guy mode or unshaven girl mode will make me feel more dysphoric. Lesser of two evils: guy mode it is.
On the plus side of shopping I get a new androgynous bag. My purse barely fits as it’s a bit small, but I have a usable bag and it shouldn’t out me.
After shopping it’s time to get ready to go out. A trans friend is playing at the Espy and I’m going to go see her with another trans friend. Seems like just about all my friends outside of work are trans…probably true though.
So I pick up my friend and have a chat…laying down my doubts and worries to her. You pass just fine she tells me. I believe her. She also tells me that the hardest time is between deciding to go fulltime and actually doing it. Keep it as short as possible she tells me. I take note of that – always good to listen to those who come before you I reckon.
We end the night with a yummy vegetarian meal in Footscray talking about music and trans issues.
…and the heroine escapes the exploding temple… ah bugger, still real life.
Well they say
truth real life is stranger than fiction.
We’ll do Monday in the next blog…